fallen to earth
Sunday, June 29, 2003
I got that empty feeling again today...
I was surrounded by friends... laughing and having fun... but I just felt... so... empty.
I felt hollow and drained and I couldn't bring myself to smile... well, maybe a few fake smiles, but nothing real... no facial expression could describe the feeling...
I don't know how to even describe it to you...
Sometimes... when I am surrounded by people... is when I feel the most alone...
I was surrounded by friends... laughing and having fun... but I just felt... so... empty.
I felt hollow and drained and I couldn't bring myself to smile... well, maybe a few fake smiles, but nothing real... no facial expression could describe the feeling...
I don't know how to even describe it to you...
Sometimes... when I am surrounded by people... is when I feel the most alone...
Sunday, June 15, 2003
In Britain… In York… there is a door… a magical door. In the top corner of the door, is carved a tiny mouse. It is said that if you make a wish while stroking the mouse’s tail, the wish will come true within a year… But, there was a warning, they said… Your wish will come true… but at a price… A young girl, naïve and desperate, walks up to the door and makes her wish… happiness… to be truly happy…
She waits… months go by, and still she waits for her wish to come true… But what if it doesn’t? She thinks about this the most… she looks at her calendar… the date is clearly marked in red… 10 days left… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… the day comes slowly but surely and still nothing has happened… the day has, so far, been the worst in her life and she has given up hope… She walks alone in the night… ten o’clock… eleven o’clock… the day is almost over when her friends see her crying… they hold her close and her wish is granted…
Months go by and she is happy… she laughs and smiles all the time… but a part of her remembers the warning… she knows it will not last, but she doesn’t care… she’s happy…
seven months go by and things start to fall apart… her friends are sad… and there’s nothing she can do… maybe this is what the warning was talking about… maybe this was the price of her happiness…stolen happiness… she blames herself… always blames herself… she looks in the mirror… “I hate you” she says as the tears fall…
She waits… months go by, and still she waits for her wish to come true… But what if it doesn’t? She thinks about this the most… she looks at her calendar… the date is clearly marked in red… 10 days left… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… the day comes slowly but surely and still nothing has happened… the day has, so far, been the worst in her life and she has given up hope… She walks alone in the night… ten o’clock… eleven o’clock… the day is almost over when her friends see her crying… they hold her close and her wish is granted…
Months go by and she is happy… she laughs and smiles all the time… but a part of her remembers the warning… she knows it will not last, but she doesn’t care… she’s happy…
seven months go by and things start to fall apart… her friends are sad… and there’s nothing she can do… maybe this is what the warning was talking about… maybe this was the price of her happiness…stolen happiness… she blames herself… always blames herself… she looks in the mirror… “I hate you” she says as the tears fall…
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
okay... yesterday. Let's talk about yesterday...
Parents yelled at me again... okay, just day, really...
I feel totally useless when he talks to me... he's always saying how I'm selfish and I don't care about the family.... God! I had the urge to stab myself with my pencil in front of him and go "you're right I'm useless and selfish!" and then die...
I didn't though... I went outside by the birch trees... I suppose you could say that it's "my place"... It's where I sit and think.... usually about suicide and how the world would be so much better off without me... I haven't been there in a while.... I haven't felt that way in a while...
but I did then...
Parents yelled at me again... okay, just day, really...
I feel totally useless when he talks to me... he's always saying how I'm selfish and I don't care about the family.... God! I had the urge to stab myself with my pencil in front of him and go "you're right I'm useless and selfish!" and then die...
I didn't though... I went outside by the birch trees... I suppose you could say that it's "my place"... It's where I sit and think.... usually about suicide and how the world would be so much better off without me... I haven't been there in a while.... I haven't felt that way in a while...
but I did then...
okay... so yesterday wasn't too great, obviously... but I've made a point to make sure that today is much better.... how do you do that? Does anyone know how to force yourself to be happy? I NEED to know...
trying to keep my humor up... at least I still have that, most of the time...
It's my friend's birthday today... and I haven't bought her a present.... and I'm broke... yeah... and my car's out of gas, so... yeah...
oh happy day... *said with as much sarcasm as is humanly possible*
trying to keep my humor up... at least I still have that, most of the time...
It's my friend's birthday today... and I haven't bought her a present.... and I'm broke... yeah... and my car's out of gas, so... yeah...
oh happy day... *said with as much sarcasm as is humanly possible*
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
you don't have to be by yourself to be alone...
In fact, the times where I find myself the most alone, is when I'm surrounded by people... It doesn't matter who... family, friends... Aloneness is more of a state of mind than a state of being... I could be surrounded by friends, best friends, and I could still feel disconnected and lonely. Now that I am by myself, I feel slightly better,,, which is strange.
It's not anyone's fault that I'm the way I am... No one should blame themselves for the pain of another... it only causes the self pain. Maybe that is why I am in pain... I can feel other people's pain... I pick up on people's moods and emotions and so find myself unable to find happiness amongst people who are unhappy. The only way to help me, is for others to help themselves is what I think I am trying to say...
So do me a favor... BE HAPPY DAMMIT!!!!
In fact, the times where I find myself the most alone, is when I'm surrounded by people... It doesn't matter who... family, friends... Aloneness is more of a state of mind than a state of being... I could be surrounded by friends, best friends, and I could still feel disconnected and lonely. Now that I am by myself, I feel slightly better,,, which is strange.
It's not anyone's fault that I'm the way I am... No one should blame themselves for the pain of another... it only causes the self pain. Maybe that is why I am in pain... I can feel other people's pain... I pick up on people's moods and emotions and so find myself unable to find happiness amongst people who are unhappy. The only way to help me, is for others to help themselves is what I think I am trying to say...
So do me a favor... BE HAPPY DAMMIT!!!!
Well,,, here I am in my Web Design class, about to take the final... which can't really be considered a final since it's just a small demo we're doing... whatever- i say... I guess I shouldn't be complaining, considering that makes it all easier for me... but I don't feel well, and I'd rather be home...
And then, after school, I have to go to the library to work on my econ final project... then I have to get my hair done (getting hi-lights for graduation) and then.... well after that, I don't know, but I don't even want to think about it... I suppose I should help set up our new ping pong table.... but do I really feel like it?
And then, after school, I have to go to the library to work on my econ final project... then I have to get my hair done (getting hi-lights for graduation) and then.... well after that, I don't know, but I don't even want to think about it... I suppose I should help set up our new ping pong table.... but do I really feel like it?
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Well... today was rather uneventful...
I had to sing a solo in church this morning in front of, well, everyone....
that was nerve-wracking (is that the right word?)
ooo... and my pal Rachel called me! yays... she might be out of the "f.f." as early as Wednesday- meaning I can see her again soon! yays! *jumps up and down excitedly*
That about sums up my day... that and I'm currently trying to finish my final projects so that I can leave school (finally)... double-yay!
currently watching Moulin Rouge! which I have seen about a million times (but I still love it!)... If you haven seen it already... it's great.... well, according to me anyway...musicals are amusing, and this one is so on drugs... is funny ;P
hehehe!!! *starts singing crazily* "they're coming to take me away ha ha they're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I can't wait to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away HA HA!!"
yes I'm crazy... aren't you?
I had to sing a solo in church this morning in front of, well, everyone....
that was nerve-wracking (is that the right word?)
ooo... and my pal Rachel called me! yays... she might be out of the "f.f." as early as Wednesday- meaning I can see her again soon! yays! *jumps up and down excitedly*
That about sums up my day... that and I'm currently trying to finish my final projects so that I can leave school (finally)... double-yay!
currently watching Moulin Rouge! which I have seen about a million times (but I still love it!)... If you haven seen it already... it's great.... well, according to me anyway...musicals are amusing, and this one is so on drugs... is funny ;P
hehehe!!! *starts singing crazily* "they're coming to take me away ha ha they're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I can't wait to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away HA HA!!"
yes I'm crazy... aren't you?
Saturday, June 07, 2003
... my parents know exactly how to make me feel worthless and horrible... and maybe they're right... I am worthless...
I'll never be good enough... I'm selfish and stubborn and disrespectful....
what's wrong with me? I hurt... but it's my fault, and I know that... Nobody's fault but mine... GOD... sometime I just wish I could disappear... everyone would be better off... my parents wouldn't have to worry about paying for college... my friends wouldn't have to deal with my problems...
my problems... hmmm....
that's what my mom keeps asking... "what's your problem?"
sure, mom... It's not like I could say "yeah, mom... see, I hate myself... and the fact that you guys keep telling me that I'm worthless and disrespectful is so helping."
oh and now, I'm useless, because I say I'm broke and of course my dad says "well, everyone else your age has a job... why don't you?"
I'm trying... I've been thinking about it too, but when do I have the time? I mean, sure I do now... but in a couple weeks I'll be busy every day...
Now he's telling me that I have to draw something for my art teacher as a sort of thank-you-for-putting-up-with-me sort of thing... what am I supposed to give him? "well, which of your drawings did he like?"
"I don't know" I say "It's not like we talked about it all the time"
"do you just walk through life without knowing anything? You don't know what your friends like or what we like... how can you do that?"
I just got another graduation/congratulations card... It said all these nice things about how wonderful I am.... but I just don't see it.... they couldn't mean me... I'm none of those things that they say I am...
I'll never be good enough... I'm selfish and stubborn and disrespectful....
what's wrong with me? I hurt... but it's my fault, and I know that... Nobody's fault but mine... GOD... sometime I just wish I could disappear... everyone would be better off... my parents wouldn't have to worry about paying for college... my friends wouldn't have to deal with my problems...
my problems... hmmm....
that's what my mom keeps asking... "what's your problem?"
sure, mom... It's not like I could say "yeah, mom... see, I hate myself... and the fact that you guys keep telling me that I'm worthless and disrespectful is so helping."
oh and now, I'm useless, because I say I'm broke and of course my dad says "well, everyone else your age has a job... why don't you?"
I'm trying... I've been thinking about it too, but when do I have the time? I mean, sure I do now... but in a couple weeks I'll be busy every day...
Now he's telling me that I have to draw something for my art teacher as a sort of thank-you-for-putting-up-with-me sort of thing... what am I supposed to give him? "well, which of your drawings did he like?"
"I don't know" I say "It's not like we talked about it all the time"
"do you just walk through life without knowing anything? You don't know what your friends like or what we like... how can you do that?"
I just got another graduation/congratulations card... It said all these nice things about how wonderful I am.... but I just don't see it.... they couldn't mean me... I'm none of those things that they say I am...
Friday, June 06, 2003
Today,,, I saw Finding Nemo... and just to tell you... YOU MUST SEE IT!!!
It is the best movie EVER!!! It's better than the matrix.... don't see the matrix, see nemo!!!
I am listing a set of quotes because I am now obsessed... if you have any to add that I have forgotten *gasp*.... please tell me!
SPOILERS!!!
Nemo Quotes:
I am a nice shark.... fish are friends, not food.
"I am Bruce"
"'Ello Bruce"
"It has been 3 weeks since my last fish"
"my name is dory... and I don't think I've ever eaten a fish"
D:I speak whale!
M:what?
D:DOOOOOOOYOOOOOOOOKNOOOOOOOOOOW WHEEEEEEEERRRRREEE?
M:would you stop that!?! you cannot speak whale...
*whale spits them out*
M:THAAAAAAAAAAAANKKYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!
D:wow! I wish I could speak whale.
psycho music plays- close up on dentist's niece...
you are no longer nemo, you are now sharkbait
sharkbait! bruhaha!
sharkbait! bruhaha!
sharkbait! bruhaha!
awww you made me ink myself
*looks up at boat*
what is that?
I think it's called a butt
that's one big butt!
*in the dark*
Who are you? are you my conscience?
yes I'm your conscience... we haven spoken in a while *sarcastically*
Dory, do you see anything?
Yes I see a light... am I dead, conscience?
I'm gonna get you
I'm gonna swim with you
I'm gonna get you
I'm gonna be your best friend
*reveals giant eel*
good feeling's gone
go easy on him, he lost his son, Fabio...
D:Goodbye Elmo!
M: Nemo-
D:Nemo!
No cleaning anything!
J: I will resist...
Think dirty thoughts...
look! a scum angel!
It is the best movie EVER!!! It's better than the matrix.... don't see the matrix, see nemo!!!
I am listing a set of quotes because I am now obsessed... if you have any to add that I have forgotten *gasp*.... please tell me!
SPOILERS!!!
Nemo Quotes:
I am a nice shark.... fish are friends, not food.
"I am Bruce"
"'Ello Bruce"
"It has been 3 weeks since my last fish"
"my name is dory... and I don't think I've ever eaten a fish"
D:I speak whale!
M:what?
D:DOOOOOOOYOOOOOOOOKNOOOOOOOOOOW WHEEEEEEEERRRRREEE?
M:would you stop that!?! you cannot speak whale...
*whale spits them out*
M:THAAAAAAAAAAAANKKYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!
D:wow! I wish I could speak whale.
psycho music plays- close up on dentist's niece...
you are no longer nemo, you are now sharkbait
sharkbait! bruhaha!
sharkbait! bruhaha!
sharkbait! bruhaha!
awww you made me ink myself
*looks up at boat*
what is that?
I think it's called a butt
that's one big butt!
*in the dark*
Who are you? are you my conscience?
yes I'm your conscience... we haven spoken in a while *sarcastically*
Dory, do you see anything?
Yes I see a light... am I dead, conscience?
I'm gonna get you
I'm gonna swim with you
I'm gonna get you
I'm gonna be your best friend
*reveals giant eel*
good feeling's gone
go easy on him, he lost his son, Fabio...
D:Goodbye Elmo!
M: Nemo-
D:Nemo!
No cleaning anything!
J: I will resist...
Think dirty thoughts...
look! a scum angel!
Thursday, June 05, 2003
I hadn't really planned on anyone reading this... just put it here to get stuff out of my system...
today, I think, is a double-quack day...
today, I think, is a double-quack day...
Knowing me, I'm going to write way to much for my own good on this thing... Long nights staying up with no sound but for my typing... that and my refrigerator makes these really annoying noises all the time... I think it's the ice maker, but I'm not sure (see how off topic I can get?)... lalala... got our yearbooks the other day... there's a pic of martha stewart in the back that my friend and I decided to... umm... color? Yes... martha is now "hick martha" with buck teeth and everything... and Then I decorated mary-kate and ashley olsen... they now have red eyes, horns, sharp teeth, and blood dripping from their mouths... underneath, I wrote "wow a picture of what the olsen twins really are! the truth IS out there!
Yearbooks can be really amusing if you know how to use them correctly ^.^
Yearbooks can be really amusing if you know how to use them correctly ^.^
Oooo... just remembered the funniness... someone suggested a senior prank that I agree would be hilarious.... you get three pigs... label them 1, 2, and 4 and then set them loose on campus... now the teachers and staff have to round them up, right? so they find the three, see the numbers, and will most definitely think "where is number 3?" so there they go searching for the phantom pig "number three"... could you just picture your teachers chasing after pigs and searching the campus for them "here piggy piggy piggy..."
I'm worried... I visited my friend in the hospital today... she had consumed approximately 50 tylenol tablets... she'll be there for a while, making sure she has no permanent liver damage. I don't understand why she did it... she did it and then she ran to her brother and he called an ambulance.
On the bright side I could say that we had some fun yesterday... My friend and I went to the hospital and were told to wait... we talked for at least an hour alone, and resorted to throwing pebbles at a light post... then some more friends showed up and bj says "stop throwing those rocks at the light. You might break something." so I said "okay" and proceeded in pelting HIM with the rocks instead ^.^... then he says "stop throwing rocks at me... you're such juveniles." so we stopped.... then HE proceeded in pelting us with rocks.
Later on (because things weren't wierd enough already) we (M, A, J) decided to form a hope circle... we convinced BJ and Ro to join in... but I think they got scared when we started doing the hokey-pokey.
Next we decided that we should perform an experiment in which we glue money to the ground and hide in the bushes and count the number of people who try to pick it up... I say we use a penny... who's greedy enough to bother with picking up a puny penny? actually, a lot of people would...
On the bright side I could say that we had some fun yesterday... My friend and I went to the hospital and were told to wait... we talked for at least an hour alone, and resorted to throwing pebbles at a light post... then some more friends showed up and bj says "stop throwing those rocks at the light. You might break something." so I said "okay" and proceeded in pelting HIM with the rocks instead ^.^... then he says "stop throwing rocks at me... you're such juveniles." so we stopped.... then HE proceeded in pelting us with rocks.
Later on (because things weren't wierd enough already) we (M, A, J) decided to form a hope circle... we convinced BJ and Ro to join in... but I think they got scared when we started doing the hokey-pokey.
Next we decided that we should perform an experiment in which we glue money to the ground and hide in the bushes and count the number of people who try to pick it up... I say we use a penny... who's greedy enough to bother with picking up a puny penny? actually, a lot of people would...
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
June 2, 2003 also from the other day
8:20am
Okay… she says that this is completely normal (well not normal, but common anyway) behavior… but I still don’t feel right… bleeding is colming… I understand that feeling, but I don’t understand why I feel that way… And I don’t understand the urges or images in my mind… earlier I was playing with my keys and in my mind I saw myself sticking it in an electrical outlet… why? Just throuwing the question out there… why? The universal question without an answer… there are answers I’m sure… but none that would satisfy my mind… none that could make me change… maybe I don’t want to change… either way, nothing short of a miracle could help me…
1:25pm
One of my problems is that I care about everyone and everything… when I see someone in pain, I am in pain… I can feel weak and helpless because I was unable… I’m useless… I hat myself… why am I feeling sorry for myself? So many others are in more pain than I am… I should feel sorry for them, not myself, but I can’t help it… And I hate myself for it… so many things…
7:09pm
I was washing the dishes, my main chore in the house, and once again my mind wandered… I couldn’t think about anything else while I was cleaning some of our knives… I promised… That’s all I can think of… I promised, and I don’t break promises… that’s the one thing about myself that I like… I’m loyal, I don’t break promises… I’m also good at keeping secrets… that’s all, though… no other qualities stand out as being at all commendable… I used to be able to smile all the time… I liked my smile too (despite its crookedness)… But that’s gone now… oh well… no use dwelling on it.
8:20am
Okay… she says that this is completely normal (well not normal, but common anyway) behavior… but I still don’t feel right… bleeding is colming… I understand that feeling, but I don’t understand why I feel that way… And I don’t understand the urges or images in my mind… earlier I was playing with my keys and in my mind I saw myself sticking it in an electrical outlet… why? Just throuwing the question out there… why? The universal question without an answer… there are answers I’m sure… but none that would satisfy my mind… none that could make me change… maybe I don’t want to change… either way, nothing short of a miracle could help me…
1:25pm
One of my problems is that I care about everyone and everything… when I see someone in pain, I am in pain… I can feel weak and helpless because I was unable… I’m useless… I hat myself… why am I feeling sorry for myself? So many others are in more pain than I am… I should feel sorry for them, not myself, but I can’t help it… And I hate myself for it… so many things…
7:09pm
I was washing the dishes, my main chore in the house, and once again my mind wandered… I couldn’t think about anything else while I was cleaning some of our knives… I promised… That’s all I can think of… I promised, and I don’t break promises… that’s the one thing about myself that I like… I’m loyal, I don’t break promises… I’m also good at keeping secrets… that’s all, though… no other qualities stand out as being at all commendable… I used to be able to smile all the time… I liked my smile too (despite its crookedness)… But that’s gone now… oh well… no use dwelling on it.
June 2, 2003 also from the other day
8:20am
Okay… she says that this is completely normal (well not normal, but common anyway) behavior… but I still don’t feel right… bleeding is colming… I understand that feeling, but I don’t understand why I feel that way… And I don’t understand the urges or images in my mind… earlier I was playing with my keys and in my mind I saw myself sticking it in an electrical outlet… why? Just throuwing the question out there… why? The universal question without an answer… there are answers I’m sure… but none that would satisfy my mind… none that could make me change… maybe I don’t want to change… either way, nothing short of a miracle could help me…
1:25pm
One of my problems is that I care about everyone and everything… when I see someone in pain, I am in pain… I can feel weak and helpless because I was unable… I’m useless… I hat myself… why am I feeling sorry for myself? So many others are in more pain than I am… I should feel sorry for them, not myself, but I can’t help it… And I hate myself for it… so many things…
7:09pm
I was washing the dishes, my main chore in the house, and once again my mind wandered… I couldn’t think about anything else while I was cleaning some of our knives… I promised… That’s all I can think of… I promised, and I don’t break promises… that’s the one thing about myself that I like… I’m loyal, I don’t break promises… I’m also good at keeping secrets… that’s all, though… no other qualities stand out as being at all commendable… I used to be able to smile all the time… I liked my smile too (despite its crookedness)… But that’s gone now… oh well… no use dwelling on it.
8:20am
Okay… she says that this is completely normal (well not normal, but common anyway) behavior… but I still don’t feel right… bleeding is colming… I understand that feeling, but I don’t understand why I feel that way… And I don’t understand the urges or images in my mind… earlier I was playing with my keys and in my mind I saw myself sticking it in an electrical outlet… why? Just throuwing the question out there… why? The universal question without an answer… there are answers I’m sure… but none that would satisfy my mind… none that could make me change… maybe I don’t want to change… either way, nothing short of a miracle could help me…
1:25pm
One of my problems is that I care about everyone and everything… when I see someone in pain, I am in pain… I can feel weak and helpless because I was unable… I’m useless… I hat myself… why am I feeling sorry for myself? So many others are in more pain than I am… I should feel sorry for them, not myself, but I can’t help it… And I hate myself for it… so many things…
7:09pm
I was washing the dishes, my main chore in the house, and once again my mind wandered… I couldn’t think about anything else while I was cleaning some of our knives… I promised… That’s all I can think of… I promised, and I don’t break promises… that’s the one thing about myself that I like… I’m loyal, I don’t break promises… I’m also good at keeping secrets… that’s all, though… no other qualities stand out as being at all commendable… I used to be able to smile all the time… I liked my smile too (despite its crookedness)… But that’s gone now… oh well… no use dwelling on it.
June 1, 2003
Late:
Once again, I found myself alone in my room, Trying to keep my mind from wandering to a set of sharp and potential self-harming objects… hell… I thought about stabbing myself with a ballpoint pen. Resorted to scratching old wounds until they bled… once again struck with the sick urge to paint with the blood… but I really can’t be bothered… I guess It’s just laziness… that and because I’m still afraind- not of death, but of dying… stupid, I know, but I am stupid… there is no avoiding what I am… God! I hate myself… in my life, I discovered that there are too many “I wish’s” and too many “if only’s”… If only… If only… If only I could stop this.
Late:
Once again, I found myself alone in my room, Trying to keep my mind from wandering to a set of sharp and potential self-harming objects… hell… I thought about stabbing myself with a ballpoint pen. Resorted to scratching old wounds until they bled… once again struck with the sick urge to paint with the blood… but I really can’t be bothered… I guess It’s just laziness… that and because I’m still afraind- not of death, but of dying… stupid, I know, but I am stupid… there is no avoiding what I am… God! I hate myself… in my life, I discovered that there are too many “I wish’s” and too many “if only’s”… If only… If only… If only I could stop this.
